Lovers Run
by Jeanny
Summary: What if Xander hadn't kissed Willow in Lover's Walk? A response to the In Another Life challenge (look inside for the URL). Warning: Character Death *COMPLETE*
1. Part 1

Title: Lovers Run

Author: Jeanny

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Spoilers: Through The Zeppo

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, Inc., UPN and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: What if Xander hadn't kissed Willow in Lover's Walk? (A response In Another Life Challenge - http://www.angelfire.com/mo3/fanfic/AnotherLife/Challenge.html)

AN: I've got to put up the *major* character death warnings, sorry. Read at your own risk, cause this is not a happy one.

*********

What had started as something simple, a friend helping a friend, was rapidly becoming that familiar wrong/rightness that had plagued them since before Homecoming. Willow was pressed up against him, supporting him, warm and perfect and smelling like summer, even though it was nowhere near summer. Strawberries and sweat. Xander could feel her breath, warm and erratic on his face, and he knew he would kiss her. He had to kiss her. No matter how wrong it was.

"We're not supposed to," she said doubtfully. Doubt because she knew it was wrong, just like he did. Doubt because she wanted to kiss him so badly she was trembling. Fear and desire and guilt were at war in her and he knew desire was winning. Her lips grew closer, one hand snaking behind his head. One of them had to be strong, Xander realized. Spike could come back at any moment, and without a plan they were done for. He wasn't going to let them both die for a few more illicit kisses.

"We can't," he said shakily, and she pulled away, a bit disappointed but relieved as well. He licked suddenly dry lips. "I just need to rest for a few moments, and then we'll try again. Try the walking, I mean!" he finished anxiously. Willow nodded, pulling away even further. She grabbed his hand, holding it to her heart like that would somehow make him better. He could feel how fast it was beating, with fear and something else, and his resolve wavered...

"Willow!" 

She stood, his hand all but forgotten in that moment of disbelief.

"Oz? Oh God, Oz!" Willow cried, throwing herself into his arms and showering his face with kisses. Xander could see her trembling, and he knew it was as much with shame as relief.

"It's okay, baby. Everything's okay," Oz soothed her, stroking her hair comfortingly. "We're gonna get you out of here." Xander had barely registered the plural pronoun when a dark whirlwind flew across the room towards him.

"Xander! Oh my God, what happened?" Cordelia called shrilly.

"Hi Cordy," Xander croaked. She sat next to him in much the same position Willow had been in earlier, her hands fluttering madly as her desire to touch him battled his current state of blood and dust-covered ickiness. 

"Xander tried to protect me, and Spike hurt him," Willow said to Oz, her eyes pleading with him to understand. "We were trying to find a way out, but Xander can't really walk yet. We've got to get him to a doctor." At her words, wanting to touch won. Cordelia leaned forward, kissing her boyfriend's lips lovingly and brushing his hair back from his forehead, mindful of the still-bleeding gash. Xander closed his eyes, pain mingling with ecstasy. Ecstasy fled in the wake of more and greater pain as Cordelia frantically grabbed him by the shirt, giving him a good shake.

"No! Don't go to sleep!" she shrieked.

"What the hell, Cordy?" Xander whined.

"Head wound. You have a head wound. Head wound people are not supposed to go to sleep, you might not wake up again! Right?" Cordelia answered, looking at Willow for confirmation. The redhead was glaring at her angrily. "Right?" she asked again, not seeming to notice.

"They're not supposed to be violently shaken, either," Willow bit off. Oz left her side and crouched down next to Xander, close enough to make him try to glance away awkwardly. Instead the boy held his gaze, his eyes placid except for mild concern.

"You think you can make it up the stairs, man? We've really got to get them out of here," was all Oz said. Xander went to nod, then thought better of it and cleared his throat.

"I can make it," Xander said confidently, moving to sit up and then pausing as the room spun again, a bit less violently this time. "Might need a little help." Oz and Cordelia helped him to his feet, where he swayed for only a second before finding his bearings. Willow worriedly kept looking behind her as she led the way up the stairs, and he eased back on the amount of support he was taking from the others, trying to lessen her worry. He was glad to see that he could, the ringing in his ears less than before. He smiled up at Willow as she glanced back at him again. He was pleased to see her smile back for a moment before she screamed, the step beneath her suddenly giving way. Xander's heart dropped as well. He vaguely heard Cordelia scream and Oz shout Willow's name, but he was already in motion, running up the steps at a speed he would not have believed possible. She had instinctively thrown her hands up and he dived for them, grabbing her wrists, stopping her descent with a jerk that he knew was painful from her gasp. Trembling with effort he pulled her up and back onto a more solid step, stepping down as he did so that their weight was more evenly distributed. Still thoroughly panicked she threw her arms around his neck, shaking so hard she almost knocked them both down. He could hear her heart hammering fast and loud, just like his own.

"Oh God," she panted. "I could have...I almost..."

"Willow?" Oz was right behind him, so much shorter on the lower step that his head was only slightly higher than Xander's waist. Hearing his voice, Willow opened her eyes, letting go of Xander so abruptly he almost fell again, barreling down into her boyfriend's arms. A hand reached out to steady him, and he looked into Cordelia's frightened, pained brown eyes.

"So I'm thinking you're better," Cordelia said, her tone shaky and dubious and accusing, like she knew there was something here she didn't like but she couldn't quite figure out what it was. Xander pulled her into his arms, letting her feel his heart and the lingering aftershock.

"I didn't even think," he said, not sure it was an answer, not even sure there had been a question. He could feel Cordelia sigh.

"My hero," she said, and they both tried to pretend there was no irony in it. Xander pulled out of the embrace, but his girlfriend still kept her hand on his arm, a gesture of possession that was somehow hollow.

"What do we do now?" he asked, the need to move overwhelming him. Willow murmured to Oz that she was okay, and he left her to go closer to the new hole, surveying the damaged stairs with a critical eye.

"I think they'll hold. It's just a big step over."

"And a long way down," Xander finished without thinking. His words renewed Willow's shivering, and Xander instinctively reached for her hand. She shook her head at him, waving him off. He winced, the pain in his head still bad enough to blame it for all the hurting. Cordelia's grip on his arm tightened almost imperceptibly. 

"Oz has her," Cordelia whispered tightly, just as the young lycanthrope looked back and gave Willow a reassuring nod. 

"Don't worry, babe. I won't let you fall."

Willow nodded, but still held her breath as her boyfriend lightly sprang over the gap. He turned, giving her a small encouraging smile, and reached out his hand. Willow blanched and Xander opened his mouth to reassure her, closing it tightly when he felt Cordelia's elbow firmly in his ribcage.

"Oz, I..." she faltered.

"Trust me," Oz said simply. Willow nodded, grabbing his hand without further hesitation. She landed on the other side with a loud exhalation of breath. She moved past him, further away from the missing stair as if it might chase her. Oz followed and wrapped his arms around her again. She clung to him for a moment, her head on his shoulder, eyes turned towards Xander, who had his arm back around Cordelia's shoulder, his hand stroking her hair. The look that past between them communicated everything they needed to say in a matter of seconds. This...whatever it was that had been going on between them, it was over. They'd both come so close to losing the ones they really loved, and they wouldn't, couldn't let it happen again. No more stolen touches, secret kisses. If it meant they had to stay away from each other, so be it. The gap between them was more than real, it was a symbol of this silent agreement. Right before Willow pulled out of Oz's embrace and grabbed his hand, allowing him to lead her to safety, something else passed between them, something each elected not to acknowledge. The desire that had brought them to this point, still there.

Xander watched them go then stepped across and reached his hand back for Cordelia's. He was surprised to see her eyes were wet with tears that she was furiously trying to blink away.

"Cordy? What's the matter?"

"What happened here, Xander? With you and Willow. Just tell me the truth."

For a moment he was actually tempted to do just that...but he couldn't do that to Willow, so he went with other, less hurtful truths.

"What happened?" Xander repeated. "Let's see, from my perspective, I got the crap kicked out of me, woke up here, Will gave me the lowdown, we started making escape plans which were admittedly a bit hampered by my lack of uprightfulness, and just then you guys showed up and saved us. Except I'm not technically saved until you and I get out of here."

"I saw the way you were with her," she said doubtfully.

"She's my best friend, Cordy. While I was out she had to fend off Spike, for both of us. Way up there on the intense experience scale. When I woke up, she...I don't think I've ever seen her that scared. And we didn't think we were going to get out of here alive. But do you know what I was thinking about, when I thought I was gonna die in here?"

"No," she whispered.

"How much I was going to miss fighting with you...and making up with you."

Xander knew that the last was a lie, but should have been the truth. What he felt for Cordelia might well have been love, but it also frightened him. What was between them was so passionate, almost brutal, and he had already seen too much of that. Love wasn't supposed to be violent, he knew in his heart. He thought that might be part of what had been pulling him towards Willow. She had always been his quiet place, his calming sea. He had never hated Willow, couldn't even conceive of feeling that way about her...but with Cordelia he had been treading the thin line between. He wasn't sure at what point he had stepped over onto the love side, but seeing her looking at him with hurt and confusion and suspicion, he believed it had.

At least he hoped so.

"Really?" she asked in a small voice.

"Really," he said, and meant it. He reached out his hand again. She took his hand this time, letting him help her across. He smiled, stroking her cheek. "Now let's get out of this nightmare." It was more than a metaphor, but less than the actual truth. Everything about his life in the coming weeks would be less than actual truth.

And the nightmare was only just beginning.

*******

Feedback is appreciated...more on the way!


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, UPN, Mutant Enemy, Inc. and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended. 

*******

"You and Xander?" Buffy squeaked in disbelief.

"Not so loud," Willow hissed, even though the graveyard they were walking through was pretty much of the deserted variety, other than the dust clouds that had been vampires until moments before. Buffy grimaced apologetically, then continued in a more modulated tone.

"I'm sorry, it's just...you and Xander?"

"Me and Xander. And me and Oz. And Xander and Cordelia. It's not even a triangle, it's a quadrangle, with vectors, and, and...I can't think of another good metaphor, but you know what I mean..."

"Yeah. Not so much with the geometry, but yeah. But...you and Xander?" Buffy repeated, still trying to get the concept to penetrate. Willow flashed her a look of annoyance.

"Buffy, is that so hard to believe? You don't think Xander could ever find me desirable? I mean, I know that Xander hasn't ever seen me like that, but that doesn't mean he couldn't!" Before Buffy could say anything in her defense, Willow's shoulder's slumped gloomily. "Except that now that I'm seeing Oz I think maybe the only reason he sees me as a pretty girl is because Oz sees me like that. See?"

"I see," Buffy teased. "Because he's afraid he'll lose you or something?" 

"Well, he already has lost me, kinda. I mean, because of Oz," Willow said softly. "I mean, for so long all I wanted was for Xander to-"

"You say see, I slay. Try saying that ten times fast," Buffy joked. Willow stuck her tongue out at her, her mood appearing to lift for a moment before her expression turned serious again.

"To want me," she said emphatically, her eyes grave. "I mean, he wanted you and he wanted scary mummy girl and he wanted Miss Let-Me-Bite-Your-Head-Off..."

"I still don't get the Cordelia thing," Buffy commiserated.

"I was talking about Miss French," Willow said, the corners of her mouth turning up for a second before the solemn look returned. "But, yeah, Cordelia. It was like the only girl he didn't want was me. And then, just when I'd given up on it altogether..."

"He wanted you."

"Right. And...it's like, you always wanted a pony, and then you grew up and you knew you wouldn't be able to even ride a pony anymore, and maybe you got like a really great, nice, sweet puppy that's better than any old pony, but then all of a sudden there it is, the pony, exactly like you always dreamed..."

"Did you hear something?" Buffy asked suddenly and both girls froze. After a moment the Slayer shook her head. "I don't sense vamps. Probably a cat or something." They started to walk again, and Buffy touched Willow's arm questioningly. "So what's it gonna be, Will? Pony or puppy? You can't have both."

"I know. That way lies non-stop hurting for everyone," Willow agreed. "I've chosen. I mean, we've chosen, the two of us, Xander and me. It's over. We're not going to do it anymore." Buffy stopped walking so abruptly that Willow nearly fell down.

"Do. It?" Buffy asked, eyes wide. "You don't really mean 'do it', right?"

"Not that 'it'. The secret smoochies 'it', Buffy," Willow answered impatiently. 

"Oh, good. That's...good," Buffy sighed in relief.

"It is. It is," Willow repeated, as if trying to convince herself. She started to pace back and forth a bit as Buffy stood and watched her patiently. The redhead shook her head as if to clear it, pressing her palms against her eyes. "It's over. It has to be over. When I think about how close we came to..."

"Being caught red-handed by your significants?" Buffy supplied helpfully. Willow groaned and nodded, hands still covering her face.

"Exactly. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. I mean, I can almost see the look of betrayal on Oz's sweet adorable face." She turned to the Slayer, eyes wide and desperate. "I love him, Buffy. I love Oz. I can't lose him, I don't know what I'd do."

"You won't lose Oz. He's totally of the Willow-smitten," Buffy said reassuringly. Willow smiled wanly, then continued a bit more uncertainly.

"And however unnatural it might...I know Xander loves Cordelia. And I want him to be happy."

"And you think Xander can be happy with her?" Buffy asked, trying unsuccessfully not to sound incredulous. Willow shrugged.

"I don't know. I just know she's what he wants."

"And Oz is what you want."

"Yes," Willow attested. The two girls resumed walking together at a leisurely pace.

"And you're both gonna be okay with this?" Buffy inquired, more than a little doubtfully. Willow nodded with certainty. "You don't think it's gonna be really awkward?"

"No," Willow answered categorically, then sighed. "I don't know. I guess. Maybe. But I still want Xander to be part of my life. I hope we can just put this all behind us and go back to how we used to be."

They continued to walk in more companionable silence, neither of them seeing the figure that had been trailing them the entire time, listening to the whole conversation, his dark eyes taking in Willow's distress. It had hurt to hear about their past from her point of view, all the times she had been right there in front of him, his for the taking and he had looked directly past. Xander sighed, heading for home. Willow was right, of course. It was too late now, and she loved Oz, and he loved Cordelia, as unlikely as it seemed. They needed to just put this past them...get back to how things were before the fluke.

He only wished he knew how.

******

"This has to stop," Willow panted, pulling out of Xander's arms again. Xander took a step back, running his hands through his hair in distress. The broom closet didn't exactly give them a lot of space with which to distance themselves, but they managed to arrange themselves so that no body parts were touching. Willow turned her back carefully to redo the buttons of her blouse, tears threatening again. He didn't need to see her face to know that. No matter how it started, it always ended like this.

"I know. You're right," he said tonelessly. She wasn't sure if it was the endless repetition of this scene or misery over his own guilt-racked conscience that made him sound that way.

"I am right," Willow said harshly. "I can't take this, Xander. Oz keeps asking me what's wrong. He thinks I'm all distant because of the werewolf thing now."

"Yeah? Well, Cordy's getting pretty suspicious too, you know. And now Buffy's wanting me to stay clear of the slayage, which means it's gonna be harder to find excuses...which won't be a problem because we've got to stop."

"We do. We will. We are," Willow said through clenched teeth. She turned back to him, her breath catching unexpectedly, not with the expected recriminations or anger but with trepidation. "Xander, something major bad's up. Bad Hellmouthy stuff. I mean, Giles is rattled. And Buffy doesn't want you or Cordy anywhere near it." As if they had a will of their own, his arms surrounded her waist and pulled her closer to him.

"She told me." Xander murmured into her hair. "Soon as I finish the donut run that I'm supposedly on right now, I'm supposed to make myself scarce. What about you?" Willow shook her head, her smooth cheek brush against his slightly scratchy one. The urge to kiss her again was nearly impossible to resist.

"They're gonna need some witchy help. And it's the full moon tonight. I can't leave Oz here alone with the big hairy evil." She pulled out of his arms on that last, resolve face firmly in place. He brushed her hair out of her eyes gently, his eyes troubled.

"I don't like this, Will." Willow grabbed his hand, lightly stroking the palm as she brought it down, not releasing it as he had expected. When she spoke her voice was throatier than normal, too. Xander swallowed hard, trying not to stare at her lips, now somehow managing to smile a bit.

"I know. You didn't even go for Oz comment with the `big hairy evil.'"

"Too easy. I have my standards." Willow's strained attempt to chuckle brought him back to topic. "Will, I'm serious, I don't-" 

"No, it's good. You and Cordy go have a nice quiet coupley night together, and I'll be here with Oz and the evil, which is distracting, as evil often is..." He leaned down and touched his forehead to hers, and she closed her eyes, fighting back sudden tears. "I can't do this anymore. I can't be around you, Xan. I want to be strong, I do, but I just can't seem to stop wanting to..." she trailed off as his lips trailed closer to hers, then shook her head violently. "You see?"

"Okay. You're right. I'm going now. Gonna get the donuts, bring them back..."

"And I'll be somewhere else when you do that, like the ladies' room or something..."

"Good...and then I'll call Cordy. Make a night of it." She nodded, already seeming to breathe easier. "Will?"

"What?" she asked softly, her stance apprehensive.

"Just...don't do anything too risky tonight, okay?" he said softly, resisting the urge to take her in his arms again. *I can't lose you, not for real and for good.*

"I won't," she whispered, managing a quirky half-smile. "Don't worry, I'll have two Slayers and a vampire watching my back. Plus Giles. They won't let anything happen to me. I'll be safe as houses...although I never understood that expression. 'Safe as houses'. I mean, don't most accidents happen in the home? Like in the bathroom, or something?" Her babbling told him how nervous she really was, but he knew if he took her in his arms one more time, they'd be right back at square one. So instead he peeked out, making sure the coast was clear, and ran away into the sunshine, unable to shake a nagging feeling that he was making the biggest mistake of his life.

******

Cordelia raised an eyebrow as Xander returned with their drinks. So far the evening had not been going well. Cordy had confided in him; her family's fortune had just been forfeited to the IRS. She was going to have to get a job after school just to make ends meet. He'd held her as she cried, then tried to salvage the evening as best he could. He had appropriated his uncle's car for the occasion, though it seemed to make his girlfriend miss her own fancier, now repossessed, car more. Plus, he had been distracted himself, worrying about what might be happening with his friends later. Wishing he was there to watch their backs, like he'd always...

Xander grimaced. Who was he kidding? He was mainly worrying about Willow. Willow's back was the one he felt like he should be watching. Now there wasn't a part of her he could be in the same room with and keep under control, and that hurt. Their friendship was going down in flames, and-

"Okay, that's it," Cordelia said firmly, slapping her palm down on the table. The Bronze was noisy enough that he didn't hear the sound, but the glasses moved, startling him. He looked at her questioningly. "I know why I'm Distracto-girl, but what's up with you? You've said barely two words to me since we got here." Xander gulped, then went for his usual partial truth.

"Just worrying about the gang a bit. Whatever's up is big, that's why they wanted us out of the way. No room for the normal people in the big bad fight." The last was said bitterly, but Cordelia seemed not to notice.

"For once and about time." She glowered at him. "Please don't tell me you'd rather be at best rolling around in slime and yuck or getting yourself killed than be with me." For a moment she looked like she might cry. "Though maybe you'd be right." Xander blinked, then grabbed her hand, starting apprehensively when she pulled hers away.

"What? No! Why would you think that?" Xander squeaked. *She knows she knows she knows,* his heart's guilty hammer sounded.

"I mean, I know I haven't been a lot of fun to be around lately," Cordelia continued, looking down at her now-free hands like they held some deeper truth, "and now that you know I'm broke, I...I guess I'd understand if you weren't...you know, if you felt differently..." This time when he grabbed for her hand she let him keep it, and he held it both of his, trying to will her to believe his words.

"Cordy, no. I don't care about your money. I mean, I only care that you care, that you're hurting...I want to make it better. And I don't know how, I wish to God I did."

"I don't know how either. But that can't be all it is. Why have you been avoiding me?" she asked plaintively. "I mean, I've been keeping things from you, the IRS thing, the how I'm feeling thing, and I...you must have sensed I wasn't being honest. Is that it? Did I push you away?"

"No. You haven't been pushing, and I haven't been avoiding. And if it seemed like I was, I'm so sorry. All I can say is, I didn't mean to." He squeezed her hand reassuringly and she smiled, the first real smile he'd seen tonight. Inwardly, Xander cringed. 'I didn't mean to.' It covered a multitude of sins, just one more half-truth on the ever-growing pile. He'd have been sure he was going to Hell if he wasn't already feeling like he was there.

"I just...I really need you right now, Xander. It's like, everything I could count on, it's all gone and I'm just lost...I'm so lost..." He pulled her into his arms, for the second time that night feeling the wetness of tears against his shoulder, and murmured the only things he could think to say that might help.

"Hey. I've got you. You're not lost."

He rocked her like that for a time as she cried, his own emotions all over the place. All he knew was that Cordelia Chase needed him, really needed him, in a way that neither of them had realized before. Xander couldn't remember the last time he'd really felt needed by anyone, let alone this girl that some part of him loved deeply. He would be damned if he was going to turn away from that, not for any reason.

"Xander?" she sniffed.

"Yeah."

She pulled away to look at him, and he couldn't quite read her expression. Her color was high, which could have been embarrassment, but there was also a sense of anticipation, a brightness in her eyes that was more than just the shine of her tears.

"Would you...could we...?" she fumbled.

"We can do anything you want," he answered, hoping to reassure her.

"C-could we go somewhere? Like...like a hotel?" she finished, taking a deep breath when she was done. For a moment he didn't even understand what she was saying.

"What?"

"A hotel," she repeated, seemingly more comfortable with the word now that it was out. "I don't want you to take me home tonight. I want to spend the night with you, somewhere nice..."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Xander asked carefully, unable to keep his voice from raising an octave. Cordelia nodded, searching his eyes.

"I'm saying I want to make love with you." 

"Check, please," Xander said weakly, stunned. She slapped his arm playfully. "I mean, you're sure? You're sure that you want to...with me?" She nodded again as she ran her finger lightly up his forearm, and Xander shivered.

"I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean, the Prom's coming up, and I thought maybe we could do it then, but that's so cliché. And I know you're the one I want to have my first time with, Xander. You're the only guy I ever really...cared...unless...unless you don't want to..."

"What? No! I mean yes! I mean, of course I want to. I just want to make sure it's right. For you. When you and I...when we make love, I never want you to regret it, Cordy."

"I won't. I promise," she said, leaning in for a kiss that drove her point home. Xander knew that this was wrong on some level...he'd been playing illicit tonsil hockey with his best friend scant hours before...when they finally broke the kiss he opened his mouth to tell her no.

"Okay then. Let's go."

He barely remembered leaving the Bronze and getting in the car as his mind whirled with all the implications. It was the feel of her pressed close against him in the front seat, the sudden rush of excitement as he fully comprehended what might be about to take place, that made his attention slip. He wasn't even looking ahead as he moved the car forward. The crunch made him wince and made Cordelia roll her eyes and groan. He immediately turned his attention to her.

"Whoa! Oh, no...are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine, I just can't believe this," she moaned. He looked at her apologetically, a brief, hysterical burst of laughter escaping.

"It's nothing. I bet it's just a nick. Maybe not even a nick, just a..." he said as he opened the car door. They both watched the driver emerge from the other car, and Cordelia's hand went to Xander's arm automatically, her fingers digging in when they both saw Jack O'Toole. Xander gulped audibly before he finished, "...scratch." Xander stepped out of the car, motioning to Cordy. "Stay in the car, I'll handle this...Jack, are, are you okay? I didn't see you there...you just came out of nowhere."

"I was parked," Jack replied flatly, approaching with more than a fair amount of menace.

"Exactly. Look, I can cover the damages. I don't have insurance in the strictest sense of the word, but I have a little money. The important thing is that we're alright and we can work this out like two reasonable..." Xander gulped as Jack drew out the long hunting knife, "...frontiersmen." 

"Where do you want it?" Jack snarled.

"Pretty sure I don't-Cordy, stay back!" Xander said, backing up to keep himself between Jack and his girlfriend.

"Nice knife. Overcompensate much?" Cordelia eyed Jack's knife with feigned nonchalance; only because he was close enough to feel her trembling did Xander know how scared she was. 

"Maybe I should cut your girl instead, Harris," Jack growled, causing Cordelia to stiffen in alarm. "Or maybe you should give me a turn, and we'll let this whole thing go. Trust me, she'll enjoy herself, I've heard she likes it rough." Xander's whole body tensed, rage giving him a courage he had previously lacked. 

"Maybe you should watch your mouth," he said in a low voice that carried surprisingly well. It was menacing enough to make Jack raise an eyebrow in surprise. Then he laughed, a short unpleasant sound.

"Maybe you should make me," Jack sneered. "Like you even could."

"Xander, don't!" Cordelia cried. It was the only thing that kept him from making a suicidal charge. Cordelia glared at him angrily, then her eyes widened with a sudden thought. "Just once I'd like to have a date not end with you sending someone to the hospital."

"What?" both Jack and Xander said in unison.

"I mean, Jack's got a knife, so this might be a bit more fair," she said, looking the thug over dismissively, "but I'm sick of trying to get the blood out of my clothes. My dry cleaning bills are getting to be beyond ridiculous." Xander looked at Jack's skeptical gaze and laughed, a high-pitched hysterical sound.

"She's drunk," he lied desperately, pulling Cordelia further back and turning his back to Jack. "Are you?" he asked her between his teeth. A hand on his arm made him turn back towards Jack. The ruffian was smiling.

"How bout it, man? You want to have a go? Katie and I have been dying for a good fight."

"Katie? Your knife...has a name," he said with horrified understanding. "How very serial killer of you."

"Come on, Xander...you're not the kind of guy that lets your lady lead you by the nose, right?"

"Yes, I am just that kind of guy. Only, it's not my nose she's-oww!" Xander rubbed his arm where his girlfriend had pounded it. She glared at Jack, who was leering knowingly.

"We're going," she insisted. "Get an estimate, send him the bill. I'm not in the mood to watch the...someone die in a knife fight in an alley tonight." Xander thought they were going to get away with it for a moment, until he saw Jack's expression.

"Sorry about that, Princess, but me and your boy have this unfinished business. And if you get in the way again, you won't just be watching."

"Don't you threaten her!" Xander called, grabbing hold of Jack's shirt without thinking. At that moment a light was shone in their faces, and Xander closed his eyes to slits as a strange voice spoke.

"Hey! Police, what's going on?" Xander released Jack quickly and they moved away from each other as the police officer moved the light away, advancing towards them cautiously.

"Nothing. Just rassling," Jack said, giving Xander a meaningful look. Xander was about to confirm Jack's lie when Cordelia spoke up stridently.

"Officer, would you please arrest this guy. He has a knife, he threatened to hurt us, plus he's terribly rude." Both Xander and Jack gaped at her, but the officer's eyes narrowed in recognition.

"O'Toole. I should have known." He turned to Xander. "He attacked you? You're pressing charges?"

"Yes, he is," Cordelia said firmly, her hand on Xander's arm. "But not tonight. Can we come down to the station in the morning?"

"I don't see why not," the officer shrugged as he pushed O'Toole against the side of Xander's car and cuffed him. Jack eyed them calmly when the policeman pulled him away.

"You're a dead man, Harris. And me and the boys are gonna do things to your girlfriend she'll never forget..."

"That's enough," the officer barked, handing a business card to Xander as he hauled the thug away. "That's my name and badge number, kid, for when you come down to file your complaint tomorrow."

"Thank you Officer...Stevens!" Cordelia called brightly as she read the card over Xander's shoulders. Jack continued to curse and threaten them as he was hauled away, and Xander sagged against the hood.

"I'm gonna end up paying for that," he moaned. Cordelia pressed her body against his and offered her lips.

"It's gonna be worth it, though," she promised. All thoughts of Jack, Willow, Buffy, or any other people on the planet fled from Xander's thoughts for some time after that. When they finally came up for air, she opened the driver's side door and slid into the passenger seat. Xander gulped as he joined her again. They sat in silence, his hand frozen on the ignition key. He couldn't stop thinking about what was about to happen, and he was awash in uncertainty. He should tell her about Willow, he thought suddenly. Before they-

"Xander?" Cordelia asked softly.

"Yes?" he responded, his mouth suddenly dry. She'd changed her mind, he thought. He wasn't sure if what he felt was more relief or disappointment.

"Let's find a hotel outside of Sunnydale."

The statement hung there, like a balloon full of promises. He knew what would happen if he told her now. Besides, what was there to tell, really? The Willow thing was over. They'd both agreed...

He smiled at her as he started the engine.

"Good idea."

*******

Feedback would be great...just one more chapter to go...


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, UPN, Mutant Enemy, Inc. and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended. 

AN: This is your final warning. The major death happens in this chapter - don't keep reading if it's gonna upset you!

*******

Everything was Cordelia. She was the world, and everything in it smelled, and sounded, and tasted like her, and there yet there was never enough. He deepened the kiss, his thoughts not nearly that coherent any longer. The night they had spent together had been the most amazing night of his life, and now the sunrise that filtered in through the window bathed her in a russet-colored glow that made her look like fading embers. He kept his eyes open as they kissed, wanting to sear her image into his brain, so that no matter what happened in the future he would always be able to recall the moment he knew her love with pure passion, with innocence. 

"We've got to get up," she murmured, her lips still against his, and he chuckled, capturing her mouth again, his hands wandering again over the plains and valleys of her, familiar yet forever new. She looked so radiant in this soft warm glow, her hair almost looked like it was a deep...red...

Red. Willow.

Xander tore away from her so suddenly she made a small alarmed gasp. He looked towards the clock on the nightstand but he wasn't really looking at it at all. Instead he was sorting through his once again complicated feelings. He hadn't thought of his...his friend...since they'd arrived at the hotel door, and now the guilt was practically overwhelming. Not that he had anything to feel guilty about, really. Not this, anyway. He cleared his throat.

"Nah," he said, forcing himself to focus on the time showing on the mini clock radio on the side table. He blinked at the red LCD display, feeling himself freeze. It glowed like demon eyes. He'd never realized. Red against a black background.

Red. Against black. Like the light coming in. The light that shouldn't be there. It was only 2AM, according to the demon-eye numbers. The sun wasn't rising.

And their window faced Sunnydale.

"Oh God," he moaned, jumping out of bed so suddenly he almost pulled her with him.

"Xander?" Cordelia asked, catching his fear too much to be annoyed. "What is it?" He drew back the curtain. At first she could only see him, his throat working madly.

"Oh, God, Cordy." This brought her to her feet, wrapping the sheet around her in a de facto show of modesty remembered from countless television shows. She scrambled to the window, staring blankly, her mind clearly unable to process the sight. Xander didn't blame her, he could barely deal with it himself.

"What is it?" she asked finally. "What does it mean?"

Xander elected to answer the second question first, because in truth the answer to the first was obvious. 

"It means they failed. The Hellmouth. It's open for business."

"No, no, it can't be...there's got to be another explanation..." Cordelia asked, her voice pleading with him like a child to make it go away. Later he would think it was a proper reaction to actually seeing Hell on earth, but this wasn't later.

"Like what?" he asked harshly, lashing out at her in his own despair and remorse. "LSD in the water supply? David Copperfield doing a secret Sunnydale-only show?" His voice cracked and he began to shake so hard that she grabbed on to him, burying her face in his shoulder to cry her own tears. "Mayor bought out the world's supply of neon?" he finished in a whisper before his sobs started. It was almost beautiful in a horrifying way, the way it glowed. He hadn't known it would do that. Giles had never mentioned...

Oh God. Giles. And...

"W-Willow," he sobbed. Cordelia's head snapped up. "B-Buffy...they're gone, Cordy. They're all gone..."

"Oh God...our parents...and friends...no...no, they could still be alive, Xander. They could. We've got to back!"

"No," he said softly. "No, you've got to get out of here. Run, Cordy. As far and as fast as you can." He pressed his car keys into her trembling hand, his own tears drying as his resolve returned. It wasn't really a surprise. Part of him always knew where he was going; heck, it was the Harris legacy.

"Xander?" she whispered. And he kissed her, trying to pour everything that had ever been good and right between them into that kiss, that moment. 

"I love you," he said. "But I don't deserve you." Cordy's fingers brushed his lips in a shushing gesture.

"Don't say that-"

"It's true, Cordy. You don't know how true...but you will. You want to get dressed first, though. Trust me, you really do. And when I'm done, you'll understand. Everything."

**********

Xander wandered the streets of Sunnydale several hours later. The sun had come up, something he'd found a bit surprising. He'd figured this would be a forever night sort of thing. Not the first time he'd been wrong. Not even the first time that day.

Cordelia had taken the news about his involvement with Willow with the kind of stoicism often brought on by shock. He guessed in the grand scheme of things it didn't really matter much now, other than to fuel his remorse and add to her pain. But it had been the key to getting her to take off while he came back to town, though she had insisted on dropping him off closer, so he could make the hike in before dark.

He'd found Faith's body first. Kind of surprising, given the large number of bodies, and that she wasn't at the school at all. But he hadn't made it to the school yet when he'd stumbled over her. It looked like she'd died in a fight, trying to slay something that had her outgunned and outmatched. Xander thought she would have liked to have gone out like that, even though he hadn't known her very well. He picked her up, unwilling to leave her lying in the middle of the street, but having no idea what to do with her body. There were so many bodies...he settled for laying her gently on a bench near the park, covering her with his jacket. He continued on, recognizing some of the people lying dead in the streets, but unwilling to stop again until he reached them.

The school was a shambles. It looked like something had torn it apart from the inside, which was appropriate; everything had. Xander sank to his knees in front of it, momentarily too weak with grief to go inside. And though he wished he could deny it, there was some fear there too. Fear of what he might find.

Fear of what might find him.

It was two memories that eventually propelled him forward. One was the day he'd met Buffy, when he'd bumped into her, literally, and embarrassed himself with that lame `have you' faux pas, and how it had changed his life in so many ways, made him into someone who made a difference in spite of both of their best efforts. The other was the day he'd met Willow, and found her literally crying over being teased about her hair, and how he'd backed her up that day and every day since. If they were in there, he had to find them. It was a miracle and a curse when he did. 

When he walked into the library, he half expected to be killed immediately, sucked into the Hellmouth for food...but there was nothing. The hole was there, and he was certain if he approached it he'd find something nasty waiting for him, but other than that it was eerily quiet. There was an amazing amount of rubble to climb over, and ash, making the light pouring in look like solid beams. Some of the ash he suspected was dust, and some of that dust was probably Angel. There was no sign of Oz, and Xander would never know what had become of him. 

He gasped when he spotted his friends. The three of them were huddled together, Giles and Buffy rolled on top of Willow. He only knew she was in there because he could see the vibrancy of her hair poking out from underneath. They had tried to protect her, like he should have done. He reached Buffy first, her body covered with scratches and bruises, and pulled her back, secretly hoping he could bring her back to life as he had done once before. The strange tilt of her head when she fell into his arms told him that would not be possible, unless he could somehow repair a broken neck. He kissed her forehead gently and set her aside, not even bothering to fight the tears, the sobs that made his breath come in small hitching gasps. 

He didn't need to examine Giles to know that he was dead. He rolled the older man onto his back, wanting to disguise the depression in his skull. He was amazed to find the Watcher's glasses by his body, still intact. He gently closed his mentor's unseeing eyes and placed the glasses back where they belonged for all eternity. Then he turned his attention to his very best friend.

She looked so peaceful, only the blood matting her hair marring her face in any way. He could pretend it wasn't there, if he tried hard enough. If he only looked at her face, not at the rest of her, not at the blood that had soaked through her shirt in so many places, he could pretend she was okay, just sleeping. He reached for her, pulling her to himself, kissing her lips gently and...

And finding them warm.

"Oh God, you're alive. Willow," he breathed, and her eyes fluttered open, dazed and confused before focusing on him and smiling feebly.

"Xander," she wheezed, immediately starting to cough. Blood from her mouth covered him with tiny spots of red. *Willow spots,* he thought dazedly.

"Don't talk, Will. I'm gonna get you out of here." He lifted her into his arms and she cried out.

"Too late, Xan. You've got to go. Get out...before dark...it's gonna start again..." she said, each breath an agonized wheeze. "So cold..."

"I've got you, Will. Gonna take care of you. Going now," he said firmly, not listening to her try to breathe, not listening to her faint protests, her pained cries as each footstep sent a jolt through her body. He looked around desperately when he got outside. Giles' car. He ran for it, finding the keys under the floor mat as he knew he would. He set Willow gently in the passenger seat, belting her in and closing the door before jumping into the driver's side. He ignored how she slumped in the seat, only the belt keeping her upright, wishing he'd kept his jacket for her, to keep her warm. "Hang on, Will. Hang on," he muttered as he started the engine and pealed out and away from the ruined school, unable to take even slight pleasure in the moment.

"Xan...der?" Willow said brokenly.

"Shhhh...don't talk..." he answered, keeping his eyes glued to the road through a Herculean effort. He wanted to look at her, watch her face, but he was afraid he already knew what he'd see there.

"It was...too much...for us...Faith...never showed..."

"I found Faith. Looked like she died slaying."

"Oh...I...take...back...the...bad...stuff...I...oh...God...it...hurts..."

His knuckles were white against the steering wheel. He took one off to wipe his eyes on his sleeve as he pushed Giles' bucket of bolts to speeds it had heretofore never known, even as a voice deep inside him whispered it wouldn't be enough. Too little, too late.

"Will, come on. Just take it easy...we'll be at a hospital before you know it..." he cajoled desperately.

"I...can't..." she struggled to say.

"Don't say that!" Xander cried out. "Just be...be quiet...save your strength. I'm gonna save you, Will. I have to..."

"You...already...did..." Willow gasped, her words become slower, thicker, harder to understand. "I...love...you...Xander..."

"I love you so much, Will. I love you more than my own life, you hear me? You have to hang on! Hang on!"

He almost didn't hear her last word because he was still screaming at her to live, but he did. It was the word he would say when he pulled her from the car hours later and found her already cool. It was the word he would say every day for the rest of his life, not that he expected it to be a very long one. He would say it to every person he met, every church he wandered into, to his own mirror at night. No one and nothing could ever convince him that all of this hadn't been his fault. He'd tried to hold on to everything he loved knowing it was wrong, and he'd lost it all. He only wished he could have said it to her before it was too late. The way she'd said it to him with that last labored breath.

"Sorry."

********

That's all folks...I know, I know...it's ridiculously sad, and not at all the ending I had intended when I started, but that's where things went. 


End file.
